Penny for your thoughts on how to fix this mess

I may have hinted at this before, but it bears reiterating: hundreds of dollars in filthy change (90% pennies) is a logistical nightmare (a quick side note to all you turkeys who like to throw non-monetary debris – beads, paperclips, gum – into the fountain: I’m coming for you). Yesterday we set out to make it go away.

First Capt Steve decided to try and bathe it all in a large garbage can and then spread it all out on towels to dry. It became apparent after about half a bucket that this would be far too time and space consuming to be effective. We didn’t want to risk counting the money in our machine in its filthy state, to say nothing of our worries of drawing the ire of the bank during deposit. Then we had an idea:

Coinstar!

Sure, they take a percentage but it would be worth it to transfer our problems to them. We loaded our buckets into the van (again) and set out for the nearest machine. When we got their, the genius of our idea began to fade.

For one thing, the machine counts money very slowly. The opening for the coins is very small. Its mechanism is self-described as “very sensitive.” It jams up frequently. After about an hour and $70 we had required store assistance twice and a line was forming behind us.

Still determined to make this work, we found another machine. Same problems. We got through another $30 before the machine’s temperamental nature sent us on our way again.

We’ll have to rethink our strategy, but I’ve got a beef with Coinstar. Okay, maybe you’re not intending to accommodate fourteen gallons of change, but we couldn’t even get through twenty bucks in a timely fashion without complications. And if not for fairly sizable amounts of money, what purpose do you serve. I certainly don’t need to pay you 8%, or whatever you take, to help me turn $5 in change back into bills. There are hundreds of other ways I could get rid of that small an amount on my own.

I could roll it and bring it to the bank. I could use it in vending machines. I could keep a bit in my pocket to pay the change portion of my bill at the store. I could keep it in the car for tolls.

I could throw it in the fountain at the mall.