Lost and found

“You wanna go for a ride?”

Capt Steve was psyched to show me the next and (hopefully) final strategy for getting rid of all our dirty money. It turns out Commerce Bank has machines called Penny Arcades. They are like Coinstar only they don’t charge a percentage and they actually work (so I guess they’re nothing like Coinstar). Steve’s been bringing a little bit each day and assured me we could get through $100 in about 10 minutes. Sounds good to me.

When we first got there one of the two machines was occupied, so Steve showed me how to operate the available machine with his half of the money while I waited for the other one to open up. Eventually, the three teenage girls finished up with their buckets and were on their way.

I approached the machine and dumped in some of my coin. I pressed the GO button. And I heard nothing.

The machine asked me if I had more to count. I said yes. I dumped in a little more. And I heard nothing.

The machine again asked me if I had more to count. I said yes. I peered down the coin chute. And I heard nothing.

This time when the machine asked if I had more to count, I said no and asked for my receipt. The machine informed me that I hadn’t put any money in.

Great.

I prodded around a bit and discovered that the chute was removable. Beneath it sat all my money, still not having entered the counter mechanism. Strangely, I also noticed a high density of quarters, whereas our change has had a penny/ quarter ratio of about 100/1. Anyway, the machine was full or jammed, so I went for help.

While the teller was emptying the bags under the machine, Capt had counted all of his half and the rest of mine, all totaling about $80. When the teller had fixed the machine, it very quickly flew through the waiting coin; all $174.

Um, what?

We’re pretty sure most of that money belonged to the girls who used the machine before us. Since the machine doesn’t give you a running total, they probably didn’t notice that it stopped with money still to count and just printed their receipt.

It’s like when you walk up to a real arcade machine and find it already has a credit waiting to be played. Only multiplied by 696 and instead of excitement you just feel rotten.

There was nothing we could do. The girls were long gone, with no way of knowing they had been shortchanged and thus no reason to return. The process is completely anonymous: no account number to use the machine or any other way to track them. And we weren’t about to let the bank have a bonus.

At least the money is going to charity.